When you first discover that someone important in your life may be a narcissist, it can be such a relief that you want to share it with the world. You probably even want to tell the person you suspect of narcissism. Resist the temptation. It’s a really bad idea - for a host of reasons.
You need time to learn, observe, practice and see how things change. You don’t need your process to be derailed. You don’t need the arguments, denial, and frustrations you will likely receive if you reveal your suspicions.
Denial - which will make you feel worse and continue your confusion
Arguments - which take your energy and rivet your attention back to the narcissist
Blame - “you’re making me be this way,” or “it’s your fault,” or “if only you would...” which can reinforce your confusion
Anger - which leads to unpredictable and typically negative outcomes
Derision - which feels bad and may stall your learning process
Promises to try to be different - which will not be long-lived, and will only slow you down
To try to get the narcissist to change - “See, I figured out your problem. Now please do something about it.”
To blame the narcissist - “Finally! This is what’s wrong with you and our relationship.”
To justify - “Now you can understand why I'm unhappy and act the way I do.”
To create drama - “Let’s both be upset, so I don’t have to deal with this.”
Choose people who will not gossip.
Choose people who will not reveal your suspicions to the narcissist in your life.
Choose people who are likely to have observed some of the problems and will be supportive. Many people don’t see it and won’t be supportive.
Choose someone entirely outside your usual circle who can lend an empathetic ear.
Choose a therapist who gets it.
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