When you first discover that someone important in your life may be a narcissist, it can be such a relief that you want to share it with the world. You probably even want to tell the person you suspect of narcissism. Resist the temptation. It’s a really bad idea - for a host of reasons.

You need time to learn, observe, practice and see how things change. You don’t need your process to be derailed. You don’t need the arguments, denial, and frustrations you will likely receive if you reveal your suspicions.

Telling a narcissist you think he might be a narcissist invites:

Denial - which will make you feel worse and continue your confusion

Arguments - which take your energy and rivet your attention back to the narcissist

Blame - “you’re making me be this way,” or “it’s your fault,” or “if only you would...” which can reinforce your confusion

Anger - which leads to unpredictable and typically negative outcomes

Telling the narcissist in your life that you are learning about narcissism invites:

Derision - which feels bad and may stall your learning process

Promises to try to be different - which will not be long-lived, and will only slow you down

Usually people tell a narcissist their suspicions for a few reasons, none of which lead to effective outcomes:

To try to get the narcissist to change - “See, I figured out your problem. Now please do something about it.”

To blame the narcissist - “Finally! This is what’s wrong with you and our relationship.”

To justify - “Now you can understand why I'm unhappy and act the way I do.”

To create drama - “Let’s both be upset, so I don’t have to deal with this.”

Telling others that you suspect there is a narcissist in your life should be done wisely:

Choose people who will not gossip.

Choose people who will not reveal your suspicions to the narcissist in your life.

Choose people who are likely to have observed some of the problems and will be supportive. Many people don’t see it and won’t be supportive.

Choose someone entirely outside your usual circle who can lend an empathetic ear.

Choose a therapist who gets it.